e g r e s s

what a thing

to watch you trapped in the

confines of your skin

aching to peel yourself out.

to remove the suit

and become the stars.

to bear witness

while you labored

and birthed yourself

out of this world

a journey-mate

only one of us

reaching the destination.

walking you to the edge

a faithful pack mule

released back into the desert

before the oasis.

and you let go.

finally.

into

or

out of

existence.

i inhaled

your final

exhale.

slivers of you

coursed through me

like memory

your stories

fractals

burrowing into my cells.

the chemically altered sigh of

death

unleashed into the room.

and i breathed you in

like a final goodbye.

filled my lungs full of you.

pressing my lips together tight

as if i could trap you here.

for a moment i tasted the heavens.

i savored the light

that enveloped you as you

departed

as you slowly moaned out the

last

last

last

of your earthly existence.

i imagined

what you witnessed

as that final sustenance

left you

and entered me.

what did i unknowingly inherit

through the

molecules

that once swirled your lungs

before you

moved out

of body?

in an act of desperation

i caged you

in my ribs

until the last bits of you

pressed painfully toward escape.

your wild spirit banged at the back of my throat

for release.

to let you go.

my heart drumming so wildly

i thought you might

split a tear into my chest

and wistfully burst through.

i held

until my head spun

a dropped thread spool on linoleum

my brain pulsing

kaleidoscopes of color

painting all the shades of pain.

i held until my

lungs shattered like

twine snapping

popping bits of frazzled thread.

and then

i released you.

and all at once you were gone.

fading.

your last bits of life

melding with stale atmosphere.

i gasped

and spit

and choked

on my absurd attempt

to keep you here.

and i conceded defeat

just as light poured into the dark room.

your life force blending magically with dust

dancing among razors of sun

slicing through

dull stained blinds.

solemness flooded back

searing through

me.

a blade of loss.

the suffocating reality tumbling

down my heavy limbs.

i stared blankly

through stinging tears

at you

cold

muddled

unmoving

flesh

like a casing cast aside.

and

for one slight

fleeting moment

grief loosened its teeth.

a reprieve.

i felt

a newness about you.

a freedom that has been wooing you

gently whispering your name

until it became a wild

west wind

hurling you from this earth

a withered

bruised petal

waiting to be released from the

stem.

you are free.

and i am bound to

the idea of you.

to the memory of you.

i am trapped by your earthly existence.

and you.

you are the water droplet

rising from the sea and

spilling back in.

you are no longer confined

to the schedule of pills.

cold sponge baths.

the checker-patterned recliner

pressing its woven geometry

into sores on your hips.

you have stepped out of one door and in through another.

and i.

i know how to have you here.

but i don’t know

how to have you gone.

how to transition love

from flesh

to spirit.

from known

to unknown.

so instead

i will wipe my eyes

and watch for you in the stars.

to catch your fiery tail

streaking across the black sky.

and in that blazing moment

i will know.

and i will breathe in

deep

the essence of you.